I Park Like An Asshole
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I Park Like An Asshole
Yeah, I'm that cat.

I park like an asshole.


I don’t mean to.


In a typical asshole move, I’m going to blame it on the car’s design. From the driver’s seat, I really don’t know where the thing begins or ends exactly. I’m not sure I ever will.


I used to try to get within the stall lines or pull forward to the top of the parking spot. I’d always fail by a foot or so.


I used to try to park like a person who cared. I used to live In a city where backing into spots and parallel parking were the norm. I was impressive.


But this Summer – I decided to invest my efforts in other things. Cooking 2-3 meals for dozens of people everyday for 12 - 17 hours while simultaneously providing childcare for my daughter and driving her to visitations every week in the middle of prep and just before dinner service, specifically. It was the six weeks of 5-AM store runs that cost $700 a pop that did it, though. Turns out, at 5-AM after 6-hours of sleep, I am apathetic about a lot of things.


After my parking fucks evaporated, I straddled parking lines, barely pulled into spots, and abandoned the car at confusing angles. I was that asshole!


And then I got sick. And the parking fucks just stayed away. They might have died.


Parking like an asshole has been liberating. One, I have a new compassion for other people who park like an asshole. I can even have compassion for other assholes. But also, I now know what it is like to give zero fucks about something. I had wondered what that felt like. Now that I know, I might never go back.